ARE YOU SURE WE’RE NOT TOO OLD TO BE AT THIS SHOW?
NO, WE’RE FINE. PLUS, THIS GUY HAS BUILT A CAREER OFF SAMPLING MUSIC FROM OUR CHILDHOOD.
BUT EVERYONE ELSE HERE IS LIKE 17. I FEEL OLD.
YOU’RE 27. IN TEN YEARS ALL THESE KIDS WILL HAVE FAMILIES AND JOBS AND WE’LL STILL BE HERE, BEING AWESOME, AT WHATEVER HOT SHOW IS GOING ON THEN. AND WE’LL DANCE AND DANCE AND SING AND DRINK COLD BEER AND FEEL THE SWEAT PULSE AS IT RUNS DOWN OUR BACKS, LIKE THE ACTUAL SWEAT IS DANCING TO THE BEAT. BECAUSE IT’S INSIDE US. AND OUTSIDE US AND OH MY GOD YOUR FINGERS ARE AMAZING WITH THE NEON POLISH AND…
YEAH, THE MOLLY JUST KICKED IN FOR ME TOO.
(Source: redsuspenders)
SETH ASSIGNED THE CLASS A “SELF PORTRAIT” PROJECT OUT OF SOME SICK, MASOCHISTIC NEED TO PROVE THAT THIS YEAR’S CLASS OF INCOMING FRESHMAN WERE INDEED ALL DICKHEAD EMO JERKS. IN THE 15 YEARS HE’S TAUGHT INTRO TO ANIMATION THE BANGS HAVE GOTTEN LONGER AND MORE ASYMMETRICAL AND HE’S STARTING TO WONDER IF THESE BIRD-BONED-BEARS EVEN KNOW WHO FRIZ FRELENG IS. AT LEAST THIS ONE WASN’T A VAMPIRE. ALTHOUGH “THAT ONE ASSASSIN FROM PULP FICTION WHO ISN’T SAMUEL L JACKSON” IS STILL REALLY DISAPPOINTING. “DAMN I’M OLD” SETH SAID AS HE BEGRUDGINGLY WROTE “B+” ACROSS THE TOP. AT LEAST THE MOVEMENT IS FLUID.
(Source: eoporto)
AFTER SELLING HIS SCREENPLAY EDGAR MOVED TO A NICE PLACE IN THE VALLEY. THIS WAS HIS CHANCE. HIS GATSBY MOMENT. AFTER A SUMMER OF PARTIES IT WAS CLEAR WHICH OF HIS FRIENDS DESERVED CHAMPAGNE AND WHICH WERE SHAM FRIENDS. OR WAS IT?
STAR WAS AT THE FIRST PARTY, AND EVERY ONE AFTER. WHAT SHE LACKED IN HAVING A NOT-RIDICULOUS NAME SHE MADE UP FOR WITH WARMTH AND GRACE. EDGAR DIDN’T WANT TO ADMIT IT, BUT HE WAS FALLING FOR HER. SHE WAS THE FIRST ONE HE’D LOOK FOR ACROSS THE LAWN. AND SHE’D ALWAYS BE THERE, SMILING.
AS TIME WENT ON IT SEEMED LIKE THE FLIRTATION WAS GOING NOWHERE. SHE’D SING A LOVE SONG ON THE KARAOKE MACHINE AND NEVER BREAK EYE CONTACT WITH EDGAR. SHE’D STAY LATE AFTER EVERYONE LEFT. SHE EVEN DROPPED HER AMERICAN FLAG BIKINI ON THE 4TH OF JULY WHEN IT WAS JUST HER AND HIM TO TAKE A NUDE DIP. IF EDGAR EVER TRIED TO MAKE A MOVE SHE’D JUST GIGGLE AND SWIM AWAY. IF HE PULLED BACK IT ONLY BROUGHT HER CLOSER. NOW THAT THE SEASON IS OVER HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HIBERNATION IS COMING. WILL THINGS BE DIFFERENT WHEN THEY WAKE UP IN THE SPRING?
HE KNOWS IT’S A GOOD PROBLEM TO HAVE, BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT ANY EASIER. EDGAR ALWAYS HEARD THE CLICHE THAT ONCE YOU’VE GOT MONEY YOU CAN’T BE SURE IF BEARS LIKE YOU FOR YOU OR THE PAPER BUT HE NEVER THOUGHT IT’D BE THIS HARD.
DO NOT BE ALARMED IF A BEAR APPROACHES YOUR VEHICLE. NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN HE’S HUNGRY BUT MAYBE HE’S JUST NOTICED THAT YOU KIND OF LOOK LIKE YOU’VE BEEN CRYING ON YOUR COMMUTE THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS AND IT MAKES HIM SAD.
DURING THE SUMMER YOU WERE ALWAYS SINGING AND DANCING TO ACE OF BASE AT THE STOP LIGHT. YOU’RE SO PRETTY.
HE THINKS YOU SHOULD MAYBE GO A LITTLE EASIER ON YOURSELF. IT’S PROBABLY JUST SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER. SURE, END OF THE YEAR DEADLINES ARE HARD AND YOU’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR BOSS; YOU DRESS HOW YOU DRESS FOR YOURSELF, NOT HIM.
CHEER UP! YOU HAVE A NICE CAR, LOOK SHARP EVERY DAY, AND YOUR MAKEUP IS BETTER THAN MOST OF THE SHLUBS THAT PASS BY THIS STRETCH OF ROAD. ALSO, HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT? IT’S SO HARD TO DO AROUND THE HOLIDAYS, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD.
WHAT IS THAT, J. CREW?
No. I mean, the shirt is, but the sweater’s actually L.L. Bean.
REALLY? IT FITS GREAT. NORMALLY THEY’RE KIND OF … I DON’T KNOW, BAGGY?
It’s vintage. I got it at an estate sale in Connecticut.
VINTAGE IS THE WAY TO GO. NOWADAYS EVERYTHING FALLS APART IN THREE MONTHS NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT COSTS. PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE REALLY SCREWED THE AMERICAN CONSUMER. I BET THIS CAR NEVER BREAKS DOWN.
Once every five years I have to replace a belt. You remember those old Maytag commercials? With the repair guy?
RIGHT? HE NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO BECAUSE THEY NEVER BROKE!
WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU SAW THAT AS A MARKETING ANGLE?
IN THE MAYTAG COMMERCIALS, ACTUALLY. SO 20 YEARS AGO.
You guys want to swing by our camp later? We’re making s’mores.
YOU BET YOUR ASS. WE LOVE S’MORES.
BEARS LIKE FASHION, ALSO S’MORES
I MEAN, I GUESS ALL THE ATTENTION IS NICE. I JUST ALWAYS KIND OF THOUGHT OF MY PROPERTY AS AN ESCAPE.
THE FRIENDSGIVING GROWS EVERY YEAR. ONE OF THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT ALL THE SPACE IS BEING ABLE TO HAVE SUCH A NICE LONG DINING TABLE. MY CITY APARTMENT COULD NEVER HOLD SO MANY PEOPLE FOR A MEAL. THERE ARE ALWAYS A FEW NEW COMERS AND CLYDE WAS AN REAL HIT. HE BROUGHT A CAMERA WHICH I THOUGHT WAS JUST AFFECTATION BUT THE SHOTS CAME OUT REALLY NICE.
NOW I’M GETTING OFFERS FROM TRAVEL MAGAZINES, THERE ARE TOURISTS WITH SLRS ALL OVER MY LAND. TWICE I’VE SEEN TIME LAPSE SHOTS FROM MY PROPERTY WITH A BUNCH OF SIGUR ROS PLAYING ON VIMEO.
BON IVER IS SHOOTING A VIDEO HERE IN JANUARY SO I GUESS THAT IS COOL. I DO LOVE HIS MUSIC.
THEY SAID IT WAS GOOD FOR THE NEIGHBORHOOD. WHEN THOSE MONEY-HUNGRY HIGH-FALUTING ORGANIC GROCERY STORE PEOPLE WANTED TO MOVE IN THEY PROMISED NOTHING WOULD CHANGE. DO THEY REALIZE HOW MANY GENERATIONS MY FAMILY HAS LIVED HERE? I SEND LITTLE NOAH OUT TO PICK UP SOME GROCERIES FOR DINNER, THINKING WE’LL EAT A LITTLE HEALTHIER WITH ALL THIS NEW ABUNDANCE IN OUR BACKYARD AND THIS IS HOW HE’S TREATED? HOW AM I EXPECTED TO RAISE A FAMILY IN THIS ENVIRONMENT OF BIGOTRY AND HATRED. I WON’T STAND FOR IT. BACK TO WOODS YOU SAY? HOW DARE YOU.
Bear cub in alaska grocery store (by jtex1888)
I’VE TAKEN ALL THE MEDICATIONS. HONESTLY. WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT BEAR? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? YOU’VE GOT ME SO FOGGED UP.
HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY. HEY. COME IN HERE. I’M SO BORED. I KNOW WHAT ‘SOLITARY CONFINEMENT’ MEANS BUT I PROMISE THE MEDS ARE WORKING, I’M NOT VIOLENT AT ALL. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OTHER BEAR, I TOLD YOU. JUST COME IN HERE.
WAIT, WHAT SECURITY CAMERAS?
IT GOT WEIRD LAST NIGHT. JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE CAMPING WITH A BEAR DOESN’T MEAN HE’S GOING TO SLEEP IN THE TENT WITH YOU. IT’S YEARS AND YEARS OF EVOLUTION LEADING HIM TO SLEEP BLISSFULLY UNDER THE STARS. YOU WOULD TOO IF YOU HAD NO NATURAL PREDATORS. HE DID NOT “THINK YOU FARTED”. LOOK, HE MADE YOU BREAKFAST TO APOLOGIZE.
(Source: fuckyeahdementia)
OH, MAN. WHY DO I DRINK DURING THE WEEK? IT STARTS OUT INNOCENT. I COME HOME TO MAKE DINNER. ONCE I TASTE THAT HONEY SPREAD ON THE HERBED RICOTTA I JUST CRAVE A GLASS OF WINE. THEN I START WATCHING TV AND WANT A BEER. I SEE THE BOTTLE OF INIS & GUNN AND POUR A PINT. IT GOES SO WELL WITH WHISKEY I POUR A GLASS OF THAT TOO. BEFORE I KNOW IT I’M WATCHING ALL THE WEEK’S TV SHOWS, YELLING AT THE SCREEN. THANK GOD FOR AUTUMN. NOTHING PULLS YOU OUT OF A HANGOVER LIKE A COLD DIP IN THE RIVER. NOW I NEED SOME FATTY SALMON TO SETTLE MY STOMACH.
